Confessions pt. II

In this installment of my confessions I will channel my inner optimist.

I believe that SRINQ could be a strong course if:

1. It were not a replacement for FRINQ/Freshman general education requirements. I believe if SRINQ were a college preparatory class for fewer than 15 credits (maybe 12?) it would not only MAKE MORE SENSE, but I also believe it would give the instructors more freedom, and allow them to put together a much “funner” curriculum.
2. There were more mentors. Ideally 1 per school, but reasonably I believe it would be okay with 1 mentor per 2 schools. The mentors could have more consistent face time with students and also have other mentor buddies to bounce ideas off of and commiserate with! Everybody wins!

I think the main thing here that we all need to look at ourselves in a mirror and ask: Are we honest-to-goodness reaching our goals through SRINQ right now, or do things need to change? In case you want some ideas, I drew some pictures below with notes of some of the goals I covered OH SO WELL in FRINQ. Let’s not give our SRINQ students, especially not our under-privileged and marginalized SRINQ students, any less than what we’d expect in a FRINQ course. If we cannot reach all of the goals, we need to surrender and come up with something new, innovative, and helpful for preparing SRINQ students to enter college and EXCEL, not to jump into second year courses and fail the expectations.

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Confessions

This is the blog that I don’t want to write, but know that I cannot avoid forever. It has already been too long since my last blog post, and do you want to know why? Aside from an email response here and there, and one visit from Jeff, February has sucked. January sucked somewhat, but at least there were a few school visits. I hate to be so frank right now, but I honestly believe that part of my role and expectation is to report back honestly and openly about the program.

The faculty are awesome, Melissa is my life saver (I don’t know what I would do without her), the students are bright and charismatic, everyone has good intentions. I noticed something during the last Jefferson visit that secured my insecurity about Senior Inquiry. Although many of the students were doing a fine job typing on the computer, as though it was second nature to them, there were a handful of students who were really struggling with Microsoft Word, with typing and with the functionality of the program. In Freshman Inquiry, we work with the students so often that the mentor notices things like that in September! It is February, they are graduating soon and there are students who can barely work Word- this is so deeply disturbing that it makes me want to cry. Okay, maybe I am overdramatic, but really? I used to teach my FRINQ students Adobe Photoshop and Illustrator, as well as the advanced functionality of Powerpoint. These Jeff students (used as my example only because I see them more often than any of the other schools) will be taking classes next year with those students who know how use Photoshop. That scares me.

I am sorry to say this, but I have been mulling this over for so long I think it is the right thing to do- I am telling you right now that I don’t think this program works. I believe that if this program were to continue in some form, it should either be heavily stocked with graduate mentors willing to revolutionize the program, or it should merge with another high school program on campus that can supply better support and energy to it. I am sure this is not what anyone wants to hear, so I’m sorry.

Partially it is a lack of time with a mentor working in a computer lab on basic, moderate and advanced student skills, but that has many different reasons for being a problem. One reason is time: one my our schools meets for 45 minutes, 3 times a week and then once for 1h10minutes. I KID YOU NOT. This is all the instructors are allotted- so what are they supposed to do with that?! Really now. The instructors are under so much pressure at that school in particular to fit in even the basic requirements that a simple field trip to PSU sacrifices so much. It is absurd, it really is.

Aside from what I have already discussed, the job of a SRINQ mentor is the most isolating job I have ever had. Even when I worked as a stock girl for Nordstrom, always in the backroom, I had 2 other co-workers who were back there with me. If it weren’t for Melissa, I would probably have lost my mind by now. I know a few mentors who I believe would do great with high schoolers, but I am feel almost morally against recruiting them because I know the fate that lies ahead of them. A benefit of the normal FRINQ and SINQ mentor job is the incredible community. I am sure I could go out of my way to spend more time in the mentor room, but what would I talk about? Nobody understands what I am going through (except maybe the grad mentors studying education and student teaching, but even then they probably see their students more than I see mine). I don’t want any other mentors to have to deal with all of this isolation and frustration.

I believe that this program could be improved, I am optimistic there is hope, but in order for things to get better Melissa and I need people we can talk candidly with who are able to affect the honest change that it needs. What if instead of SRINQ being a replacement for FRINQ, can it just be a supplement? Can it be a college readiness course for some college credit but not fulfill the general ed reqs? Or at least not all of them? Working as a FRINQ mentor for two years means I am a total advocate for that model, and SRINQ fulfills the content, but not in the same model- therefore I believe that students should still experience the model.

Little life tragedies

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Today we visited MP academy in Southeast. To be completely honest, I did not know what to expect except for the news reports I heard a couple of months ago about this being their final year. The students have visited us twice at PSU and even those encounters were difficult to gauge because of their hesitant natures.

There were deep punctures in parts of the flooring, gum on the drinking fountains, and in some places the walls were filthy. No matter the flaws of the MP building, it is the homiest of all of the schools I have been to so far. Something about the 1970′s brown and yellow halls and the art and murals circa 1990 hanging throughout the school made me feel overwhelmed by a certain something. A part of me, possibly my poetic whimsy, could sense the memories of students passed. Young love’s first kiss on the staircase in the 1960′s, fist fights out front in the 1970′s, a senior leaving his graduation peeling out of the parking lot in the 1980′s, and a close knit group of theater club students laughing near their lockers in the 1990′s. I could sense it all. Maybe the spirits of students past have haunted around, but my feelings of desertion are active, in the present tense. The halls revealed lively groups of students, but the school felt deserted to me.

The school has been deserted by the school district.

A turned over garbage can out front, spilling trash on the steps of an emergency exit and the grime I described earlier are perfect illustrations of the lack of district support.

I might be able to assume that the personality types of students in a science-oriented academy are pretty reserved and quiet, but there was something incredibly heart breaking about how silent the halls were, even when students flooded out of their classes once the time was up. My heart breaks a little bit more when I think back. It seemed like the students were tired and had kind of given up to me. Maybe this is my dramatic side taking parts of what I heard in the news about the student rallies a couple of months ago in favor of keeping the school open, and then the announcement of its closure and just making it up; maybe I am completely wrong but for some reason I really don’t think I am.

Yesterday with Westview and today with Marshall Pauling has really been like night and day, but I can’t help but shake this heavy feeling creeping up my throat and back down to my stomach. No matter where students attend school, whether it is a high school with an incredible budget, or a school months away from closure no student is immune to sadness. As conscious human beings we all live with the skeletons and the little life tragedies that can sometimes feel unbearable, and might feel like no one else could possibly understand when in reality we are all living with them every day but we are so mute to sharing our feelings.

Have you ever heard of “If You Really Knew Me”? I think it a show on MTV, one of my mentor friends shared this with me. At first I was hesitant, but halfway through the episode I was in tears. Students opening up, sharing with others why they should not be judged, what has been so hard in their lives, and feeling  empowered. In a dream world, I would invite all 6 of our schools, reserve the ballroom in Smith for a few hours, and do this activity with all 300 of them.

Next time you find yourself judging someone who seems to have the perfect life, just remember that things have not always been so nice for them. They have had their hearts broken, or lost someone they love, or have had their dreams shattered. Recognize that they have experienced little life tragedies, some more than others, but respect that they all are unfortunate.

Never judge a book by its cover

I grew up hearing this statement over and over, never judge a literal book by its cover, never judge a person by their skin color, never judge a persons character if they wear ragged clothes or live in a small home. But what about the judging that I inadvertently left out?

Never judge a student by the opportunity they are given whether that be privileged or unfortunate.

Today M & I visited Westview High School from 9am to 1pm. We helped the students set up their Google Sites. To be honest I went into the day with a few assumptions of what I would experience:

1. I thought that surely these students with all their great access to technology would mean that most of them already know how to build a Google Site, duhh whateverr
2. Because of my first assumption I thought that I would get a ton of rolling eyes and boredom and annoyance, this is sooo dumb
3. Because of my first and second assumptions I thought that we would get some resistance about the Google Site/ePortfolio process, what’s the point anyway
4. Because of all of the above I thought I would have a terrible experience, point blank.

Good thing I was wrong, huh?

The students were fantastic and nice and funny and were attentive. All of the things I wish for in a class. Here is the schedule (it roughly followed this), and we did the same for the second class:

1^st Class: 9:18-10:50 (buffer time built in)

• 9:18-9:25 Log into Gmail accounts (excessively big buffer time just in case)
• 9:25-9:35 Show examples, talk about alternate uses, how these help transfer credits
• 9:35-9:40 Senior Inquiry Templates
• 9:40-9:45 Adding whs shared gmail as an owner
• 9:45-9:50 How to change colors and themes
• 9:50-9:55 How to edit a page, add images, populate the file cabinet and link documents within the pages
• 9:55-10:50 Work time, problem solving. Goal: fill out first page “about me” sections, include images, find themes they are happy with

I think that we had a hard time gauging the real hearts and souls of the students last time we met them because of a few things, they were at PSU so it was a strange environment, they were probably kind of overwhelmed, tired, maybe even wanting to sound more mature.

Note to future mentors of SRINQ: NEVER judge your students by the first time you meet them, especially if it is not at their schools. Their schools are like their homes, they feel so comfortable there, and that is where they can express themselves most freely.

I think it also helped me get to know the students better by the way they interacted with their instructors. They were laughing and friendly, it was so nice, and very different than some of the schools we work with who are tough; tough to please, tough to penetrate.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I still feel such a deep connection with the Jeff students because I can somewhat understand the underprivileged they face everyday. I say somewhat because being an Arab, a first generation American has had its ups and its downs- I have had more than my share of bullying and discrimination- but because my skin is white, I can choose every day whether or not I want to tell people about me. When your skin is black you cannot choose. You are ethnic and everybody knows it all the time. Not that this is a bad thing, but I want to acknowledge that it can lead to more  under privilege and discrimination.

What I did find interesting when I stepped through the doors of Westview was how ethnically diverse it appeared- students had flooded the halls and they were of all shades and shapes, but the students in SRINQ are not representative of that greater school wide diversity. At least not visibly.

One point I do want to make is even though we cannot SEE students as being ethnically diverse or having a hard life, we just never know. We asked  some of the students to email us interesting facts about themselves and one person wrote that they were adopted from Russia when they were 4 years old, and that got me thinking that we really don’t even know the half of it, nor should we pretend that we do. On top of that, no matter what high school you go to, bullying and peer pressure are universal so in a way that puts everyone on a somewhat equal playing field to be potentially harassed. I don’t mean to say that like it is a good thing, but it really is the truth.

• MP- tomorrow we visit them- students need more empathy because most of them don’t care apparently, and critical thinking activities

Last week: MP2 and RT meeting

I apologize for the delay in my writing, but I really needed some time to digest Thursday and Friday of last week.

Thursday, Marshall Pauling joined us at PSU for their second visit where we met in a lab on the 4th floor of NH. We had Matthew (the financial aid guy) return, and allowed the students a rather lengthy Q&A period mixed in with my showing them how to navigate the PSU website as a basic framework for navigating any college website. It really was quite a successful visit, and I was pleased with the class size. It is unfortunate that so many students left the class, but I think some really amazing things can happen in terms of the community since it is still so early in the school year.

Something I would like to work with the students on is the community building aspect, because I think it will do wonders for enhancing their discussions and in class time. Something I learned last year with a very quiet group I had was that all of the students you have are passionate, they are motivated by something and where the real challenge lies is not finding out what motivates them, but allowing them the confidence and comfort to volunteer that information. I remember when I was a teenager (which I guess beneficially in this case was not that long ago) I craved the opportunity to talk, but I was always worried that I would sound stupid or naive. I think when teens are quiet, it is easy to brush their silence off as apathy when really there is a chance that they are itching to talk but have been conditioned up until this point to not speak, and habits need practice to break. I don’t know what happens in the classroom, they could most certainly be working on all of what I mentioned to no avail, in which case I think an outsider like myself may have more luck because of my unfamiliarity.

It is almost comical how much I learn about myself through these visits, and when I left the meeting with MP last week I was convinced that I need to go back into therapy as soon as the term is over. Why? Well I won’t get into it too much here, but being in my early 20′s I struggle with problems of identity, and when a student asked me what ethnicity I am I replied quickly “my parents are Arabs” which, pardon my French, is a really effed up response to give. In fact, I am Arab too. I am just so used to being on high defense when people ask me where my name comes from or what ethnicity I am because of the negative or undesirable responses that the truth has elicited in the past that I wind up not really knowing how to respond, and sound totally confused with my answer, because in many ways I am really confused. In this respect, I am no different than these high school seniors who oftentimes struggle with the exact same problem: identity. I think planning some kind of activity around this would be useful.

To get back to business some of the topics of conversation with the students when the faculty and M were out of the room were:

• Tuition and student fees (we compared PSU to PCC)
• I shared my insight about other costs of attendance (I encouraged them, that if they were having trouble with affording the college of their dreams to seriously consider living OFF campus and saving a ton of money)… (I am in some ways vicariously living through them– especially the girl who is apply to Harvard– and want to assure that their dreams can be successful)
• We talked about rolling admissions versus annual admissions
• Requirements for attending PSU and Quick Entry forms
• The Writing Center (I encouraged them to use this resource when writing their personal statements for college and scholarships)
• I told them about how I failed my first term in school, but put it in an appropriate context
• I encouraged them to take 3 courses maximum their first term in school, even more preferable if their financial aid allows is to only take 2 courses.

Most of the students were engaged, there were a couple of eye rollers in the back but at least they were listening enough to roll their eyes. Something might penetrate their membranes some day, and if not today then that is fine, because it seemed like there were so many other students that were engaged.

The other thing that happened last week was the Week 8 Roundtable Meeting for Mentors. It was cool because the focus was diversity in our mentor sessions and I tapped in to some anger that I hadn’t totally realized was there. We were asked to finish this sentence: My experience with diversity in my mentoring this year has been… and my completion of that sentence led me on a lengthy tangent comparing the most underprivileged school in our program to the most privileged.

I am cautious to name names, but in order for me to explain what I mean well, I must divulge this information. My visit from two days prior with Jeff was still fresh in my head, and I realized how much the injustice and class differences between Jeff and a school like Westview makes me feel sick. There really is an ingrained level of inferiority with the Jeff students, and what I mean by that is that they work SO hard and we recently learned in a round about way that some of them are taking night classes at PCC but they don’t talk about it; it makes me wonder if they don’t talk about it because they lack confidence or if it is because they don’t want to jinx it. When Westview visited the students were all so open and willing to share which private schools they applied to, and I don’t really mean to pick on them, because that is wonderful for them but why is it that the Jeff students don’t openly dream big? There is an MP student who is applying to Harvard just to see if she gets in, she feels confident enough to take a chance, why don’t Jeff students? Is it because they are more financially aware then the other students? When I was exploring these feelings on Friday I thought I felt anger towards the privileged students but could not explain why very well, but on second thought I realize that it is totally unfair of me to get angry with them- they are the lucky ones, what I am really angry about is the system. We know that first generation college students need more preparation and encouragement than students whose parents went to college in the States, so why don’t the districts give it to them? The instructors work SO HARD and do everything in their power to give the Jeff students an equal opportunity, but there are some things that are beyond their control, and rest with the district and with the nation in terms of funding and the creation of special programs. But then there is that other element I mentioned which is more of a societal problem that does not allow these students (who by the way are mostly African-American) to be confident with their academic abilities. There was an article in the last Vanguard that spoke to this so eloquently (I can make a copy for you if you’d like), and M and I would like to bring the author in to have this kind of open discussion with the students. The article was about how he, as a Black male in higher ed, has been called a sell-out by other people in his community because his success in academics. He most powerfully explores this accusation in his article by looking at the media portrayals of successful Black men. It is such a fitting article and I really hope to give the students some food for thought through it.